by Wendy Guyer, M.S., LCSW, Assistant Director of  the Near North Suburban Counseling Center at JCFS Chicago

It is bedtime, that moment where we put aside the day and relax into the mysterious world of sleep, but how does sleep happen? How important is sleep? Is technology really the enemy of a good night’s sleep? What sleep method is the best? Parents are swimming in advice, and sleep is important. Child sleep patterns really do affect parent mood and levels of stress. Frequently, a child’s ability to sleep well through the night has a huge impact on mood, performance, and behavior. Sleep difficulties can lead to increased parent sleep deficits and have been associated with higher risks of maternal depression.

The good news is that the nighttime rituals that promote healthy sleep can be learned from a young age and have the potential to additionally benefit family functioning and a child’s daytime behavior.

Family bedtime routines are as diverse as families themselves, but research points to behaviors that are shown to help promote children’s ability to settle down, fall asleep and self-soothe to return to sleep. Winding down from a full day can be tough at any age, and relaxing activities that fit with family beliefs and culture can connect a child to positive feelings of attachment with caregivers that lead to more ease while falling asleep. When parents help children reflect on the day, tell stories, read books, take a warm bath, dim the lights, put on soft music, cuddle, say prayers and avoid interactive screen time, children can feel a warmth and comfort.

All of these activities promote bonding and calm connection, which is quite soothing to most children. This is a time of day when physical affection can feel very natural and lends to emotional attunement and connection beyond words. Once the daily ritual is complete, parents can choose among a variety of methods for responding to a child’s upsets when parents leave the room.

Developmentally, children who are under school age lack the solid understanding of what is real and imagined that we adults take for granted. Young children sometimes experience nighttime fears and do not know at first whether a scary dream was real or imagined. Using a strategy of looking around the room and declaring it a safe zone or using imagination to “talk to” the monsters to keep them away as part of the bedtime ritual are common ways that parents ensure that a child knows that his or her room is a safe place. More anxious children are sometimes soothed by having a parent listen to and write down the worries of the day in order to leave them behind as they fall asleep.

Parents who wish children to sleep independently benefit from plans to consistently place children back in their own beds with a simple assurance that they will be okay. While there is an instinct to avoid upsetting children, sneaking out of the house and leaving a child in another’s care without telling the child that this is happening can backfire if a child wakes to find an unexpected situation. Coping with changes in routine is sometimes difficult, but parents who can communicate the reasons for changes help children be more emotionally flexible, even if they are temporarily upset.

Whatever bedtime routine seems to fit naturally for your family, try to focus on the elements of consistency, connection and comfort. Taking the time to set up a regular routine can be incredibly rewarding and can help each child feel a sense of security through these important relationship-enhancing activities.

For more information, visit jcfs.org.