Your 4^th grade daughter comes home from school upset and crying. At first you don’t know what is happening. Then it becomes clearer; she is upset about something that some other girls said to her at school. Your mind swirls as feelings of helplessness, anger and protectiveness rise within you.

You are now in a parenting moment, desperately wishing for a book to tell you what to do. You certainly don’t have any magic answers for your daughter. You wonder…

• What should I say to my daughter? Not much. Your most important job is to calm yourself down and to listen to your daughter. Ask her about what happened and empathize with her feelings. This is not the time to fix it—no matter how much you want to. Allow your daughter to feel her feelings and sit with her as she does that. Help her understand that feeling bad is okay, her feelings won’t damage her and the bad feelings won’t last forever.
• What can I do? In our fix-it society, we want to make the hurt go away for our kids—and ourselves. This is a chance to show our kids that we believe in them and their ideas. Ask your daughter if she thinks anything needs to be done. Sometimes all she will need is to talk about what happened. If she does want to do something, ask what she thinks should be done. Brainstorm some possible ideas and if she has no ideas, toss out some of your own.
• Should I call the other girls’ parents? Usually, no. We need to let girls navigate their own way through their friendships and learn along the way. If you do call the other girls’ parents, make sure it is okay with your daughter first and work with the other parent to figure out how to help the girls work things out—instead of the moms!
• Is it okay to call the school? When your child isn’t emotionally safe or physically safe, it is time to call the school. Ideally, you already know the school’s policy and philosophy on how conflict is handled, and you are making sure that this situation is known and addressed. Set a time for you and the school to check with each other on how things are going.
• What will this do to my friendship with the parents of the other girls? Like all friendships, your friendship with other parents is being tested. This is a chance for you to practice and model handling conflict within friendships—talk to the other parent, acknowledge how uncomfortable it is that we don’t control what our kids do, express what you are thinking and feeling and ask how the other parent is doing. Don’t be surprised if you are feeling angry at the other parent for what his or her child might have been said or done to your daughter. It is a natural feeling and needs to be recognized. 
• What if my daughter is the one being mean? Girls are working out how to be friends and (especially for girls), how to express “negative” emotions. If your daughter is being mean, point out what she is doing and ask how she feels when she does that. Help give her words to describe her feelings (these are usually more uncomfortable feelings like hurt, anger or jealousy). How else might she express those feelings?  Give her possible sentences to use and try practicing with her. Only then should you talk to her about how the victim of her actions might have felt. Encourage her to apologize both in words and in actions.

Why is this so hard? This is hard because being in relationships is hard, and your daughter and the people around her are learning how to be in relationships. Just as we don’t have a manual on how to be a parent, our kids don’t have manuals on how to learn to interact with the wide range of people they will contact throughout their lives. People learn relationships through trial and error.

What we can offer our daughters is our time, presence and willingness to partner with them as they learn how to be friends and get along with all sorts of people. We can help them discover what types of people they want to be friends with. What seems so big at the moment will fade and become an example of the way that things shrink in importance over a few months or a year.

Tracey Lipsig Kite, LCSW, a JCFS Chicago social worker, leads programs for parents who want to raise healthy Jewish girls.

A program of BeTween: Growing Healthy Jewish Girls and the National Council of Jewish Women.