_{by Leah Shefsky, Chaplaincy Coordinator and Grief Specialist}

In grief work, we often devote considerable time to discussing death, the loss of a beloved family member or a dear friend. But what about non-death losses? How does one grieve something that is undefined and intangible? It’s like trying to grasp smoke; you can sense its presence, but it eludes your grasp. This phenomenon is known as ambiguous loss, a concept pioneered by Dr. Pauline Boss in the field of family therapy.

Ambiguous loss defies traditional categories of loss. It’s frequently not even recognized as grief. Instead, it’s marked by uncertainty – the absence of closure, the murkiness surrounding what has been lost, or whether it’s truly gone.

This form of loss can manifest in various ways. It might be the physical absence of a loved one who is missing or estranged, leaving behind an unfilled void. It could also be the emotional absence of someone who is physically present but emotionally unavailable, leaving you yearning for a connection that no longer exists.

An essential starting point is simply recognizing these losses as grief and using that terminology to describe them. So, what do you do when faced with ambiguous loss? How do you navigate the murky waters of grief when there’s no clear roadmap? Here are some strategies to help you find solace amidst uncertainty:

Acknowledge Your Feelings: Begin by acknowledging and validating your emotions. This is genuine grief. It might manifest differently, but it’s okay to feel sorrow, anger or frustration, even if you can’t precisely identify what you’re mourning. Give yourself permission to grieve without judgment.

Define Your Loss: Although ambiguous loss may resist easy categorization, try to pinpoint what you’re mourning. Is it the absence of a person, a relationship, or a sense of security? Understanding the nature of your loss can facilitate more effective processing.

Seek Support: Don’t attempt to bear the weight of ambiguous loss alone. Reach out to friends, family or a therapist who can offer empathy and support. Sharing your feelings with others who are experiencing similar struggles can provide validation and comfort.

Practice Self-Compassion: Be gentle with yourself as you navigate the complexities of ambiguous loss. Practice self-care activities that nurture your body, mind and soul. Give yourself permission to take breaks and step away from the emotional intensity when needed.

Embrace Uncertainty: Accept that ambiguity is a natural part of life and that not everything can be neatly resolved. Instead of clinging to the quest for closure, learn to tolerate the discomfort of uncertainty. Trust that healing will come in its own time, even if the path forward remains unclear.

Find Meaning: Look for ways to make sense of your loss and discover meaning amidst uncertainty. This might entail finding purpose in helping others who are struggling or exploring new interests and passions.

Cultivate Resilience: Foster resilience by focusing on the aspects of your life that you can control. Practice mindfulness, pursue activities that bring you joy and fulfillment, and cultivate a sense of gratitude for the blessings that endure.

Remember, navigating ambiguous loss, like any form of loss, is a journey. Allowing yourself to acknowledge and experience grief and confront the unknown is a crucial step along that path toward healing.

For more information email Leah Shefsky.