Rabbi Joseph S. Ozarowski, D.Min., BCC

Over the years, I have seen how uncomfortable Shiva gathering can be for some. Not knowing what to say, people focus on the food or small-talk socializing. Similarly, people are often uncomfortable encountering friends post Shiva who have lost loved ones. What do we say? How do we react?

Death is a normal part of life. We all face it ourselves, and we all lose people about whom we care. But it is helpful to know how it affects us, as well as the helpful tools Jewish tradition in its wisdom has developed to guide us through these tough times. 

Losing a loved one has physical and emotional effects. Feeling like a part of you has been ripped away, changed eating and sleeping habits, loneliness and feeling in a daze are all normal and possible reactions to such a loss. It is a stressful time, and your support for grieving family and friends can make a significant difference.

The etiquette of a Shiva house provides an ongoing model from Jewish tradition to support our loved ones through their bereavement. Being there means you care. Everything else flows from that simple beginning.

When visiting a Shiva home, it is customary to allow the mourner to talk first. While this does not necessarily mean the visitors should sit in silence until the mourner speaks, it does mean that the visitor takes the lead from the mourner. This means listening attentively, being mindful of both verbal and body language cues and offering empathy without judgment or unsolicited advice. 

After the Shiva period ends and the visitors have gone, the need for support can increase. Continue to show up, listen and try to empathically understand their experience. Mourning does not have a set “script.” Each person grieves in their own way.

It’s also important to recognize that returning to normalcy may take the mourner a considerable amount of time. If appropriate, offer tangible assistance – shopping, helping with kids, running errands. Most importantly, accept them as they are. Avoid judgment, criticism or sharing your own experiences. Their grief is uniquely theirs.

Please keep in mind that mourning is a process – it takes a long time. There is a reason that Jewish tradition prescribes a mourning period of a year for losing a parent – it is an expression of continuing to “Honor Parents” (based on the Fifth of the Ten Commandments) even after they have left us. This suggests that one can honor a loved one even after they have left this world. And it also teaches us that the relationship, while changed, remains even after death. Grieving for other loved ones can also be prolonged. The loss never completely goes away. 

As the Talmud notes: (Moed Katan 27b) “R. Levi says:  A mourner during the first three days (of Shiva), should see himself as if a sword lies on him between his two thighs; from the third to the seventh day, it is as if (the sword) faces him in a corner; afterward, it is as if it moves along with him in the market.”  While the intensity of grief may lessen over time, there will still be moments—such as birthdays or anniversaries—when the pain is more acute. Your continued presence and support can be invaluable during these times.

The support of a caring community can help ease the burden of grief. Mourners with spiritually related struggles following the death of a loved one may seek counsel from their rabbi or from the JCFS Jewish Community Chaplaincy team. Please contact Leah Shefsky for more information.